As a 30 year old new mom I’ve come to the realization that there are many internal struggles mothers face after having a baby. “Do I go back to work?” “Do I say home?” “Do I work part time?” “What will life be like if I stay home?” “If I stay home am I doing it for my baby and the good of our family or myself?” “Do we really want to live on a budget so completely different than what we’re used to?” “What will happen to my resume?” “Do I even care about my resume?” “Am I feeling pressured to quit my job because it seems like the “right” thing to do?” “Why don’t men struggle with this stuff?”
And the list goes on…
I honestly went into motherhood believing I would return to work after my 12 weeks of alloted time of maternity leave…I didn’t think I would struggle with the decision to return to work nor did I expect that my sweet baby boy could change my life in such fantastic and unimagineable ways. I never expected to struggle so deeply or wrestle so strongly with the conflict of whether or not to stay home or go back to work.
Some days it seems like an easy decision…STAY HOME! And others I find myself thinking; “This isn’t so bad…I can do it…maybe working part time is the answer…” I’m currently on a modified schedule and am 2 weeks into my 4 weeks of part time days…the time is flying by and I’m so confused.
In a way I wonder if it’s God’s way of saying…”Relax…stay home…I will provide…I can work this out for you…all you need to do is TRUST me…SURRENDER your anxiety about where the money will come from… RELEASE your grip on that amazing health insurance and the benefits your beaurocratic job provids…these are just things…I will provide…I will work this out…TRUST ME…”
When I drop off my little man for the 5 hours we are apart I feel heavy…I feel responsible for throwing off his schedule and having to get him ready for 5 hours of day care…we are so blessed by his care provider…but at this point…it’s not me, and that’s hard.
*sigh* I invite you to join me on my journey…my momflict…of trying to figure out the how’s and why’s and who’s and what’s of this journey I find myself in…I hope you’ll share your stories and experiences and that together we can support one another and grow together.